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February 20th, 2006
03:21 pm
This weekend, I blew it. big time. Between bull with my ex, or not ex, and pms, i hate my way through this weekend. it was awful, I currently feel horrible and horrible about myself, and what I did, and i feel like im never going to succeed. I'm back on track now, but i feel like this keeps happening and that I'll never get back to 136. I would love to be able to do it, and to be in a place where I feel good about it, but I don't right now. i'm not comfortable with my body, or myself, and I want to hide beneath sweatshirts and stuff.
sigh..
but, i keep trying. I went out and bought a new notebook, a smaller one, so i can bring it with me when i go away this weekend, as a reminder. I'm terrified that im gonna fuck up this weekend, and I know i will be so upset if i do, but i also know that its so hard to eat well at these conventions. sigh...
i need to work, i need to succeed...
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February 17th, 2006
06:23 pm
I have two weeks until i go to Florida.
I want to be perfect between now and then. I want to drink my water, and not soda, I want to stick to this plan perfectly. I messed up last night and I have a very high risk setting for this weekend, as of right now.
I will not drink tonight. I will remember that I'm going to a dance club, and can dance all night and not get as dehydrated if i am not drunk. I am in a self-hatred mode. I will not love myself any more if I drink tonight, I'll just be angry and upset at the end of the night. I can't do that. I will be soooo upset.
I need to find a way to be strong.
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12:57 pm
Hey, I'm new, Im 20 and in college. I've been struggling this year (school year sorry) with my weight, I was 136 this summer, and at the moment I'm 158. I was 154 until last night, when my friends decided to eat dominos and all sorts of other junk food after drinking a little, and under the influence, I said yes.
I hate myself at this moment for all of this. i have two weeks until I go to spring break in FLorida, and after last summer, all I own are two pieces. Granted, I have a lot of muscle on me, and some of my weight gain was that, but I can also see it in my stomach, my collarbones sorta went away, and now its creeping into my face. My favorite jeans havent fit since the first week of school. I don't know what to do about my weekends aside from no more drinking and stuff, to keep my weight down. I go to the gym every day, and I dance at night most nights for a few hours *i'm part of a dance group here*.
I'm really really discouraged, upset, and hate this, because I knew how good I had looked. I can restart every week, but I'm just going up, not down. I eat well, I do the old 123 program, because it suits my body the best.
I'm so so tired of looking and feeling this way. I don't know how I managed to lose weight last year, and also maintain for a while while I ate junk all weekend, and was good during the week. This isn't working. at all. I know there's not quick fix, but I'd love to look amazing (for me) by the time I go home for passover in april. I thought that the beach would have been my motivator, but apparantly not. I'm really discouraged.
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